Things I Wish I Knew Then
Last week, my phone and I fell out.
The little fucker had done that thing where it worked perfectly in every way except one. The battery.
Yep, seeing 100% battery on the screen meant as much as hearing your Tinder date say he’d definitely call you – a bunch of bullshit; an empty promise and a very short future.
Now, I don’t sleep with my phone in my room.
Call me crazy but I have a theory that my mind is my most powerful commodity and so I’m pretty precious about the first and last thing I expose it to on a daily basis.
Keeping my self-esteem above the water is hard enough without ending my day scrolling through Instagram and comparing my squidgy ass to the rock hard heiny of an Insta-model.
“But Em” I hear you cry, “why do you follow these Insta-models in the first place?”
Because I’m fucking human okay?
And what is Instagram for if not for coveting a world you don’t have. Filtered or not.
Also funny bitches hang out on Instagram. (emily_thatcrazythingcalledlife Just sayin!)
Anyway, last week my 1980’s battery powered, obnoxious alarm clock went off and up I got.
Magic morning mindset ritual done
I made a coffee and sat down to work, unplugging my fully charged phone as I did so.
A quick scroll through social media and it dropped by 21%. My daily morning phone chat with my bestie and we lost another 27%. Updating my Audible app when I didn’t ask it to and I wave bye-bye to another 17%. Fuck. It’s not even 10am and already I’m sitting at 35% battery. Another 6% and I’m in the uncomfortable zone. Only a further 10% and it is time to be nervous about leaving the house without a charger.
And then it hits me.
I have a landline situation on my hands.
I can’t leave the house without a charger.
I can’t make a phone call without being plugged in.
My mobile phone lost its mobile.
So I did what I always do in such situations.
Called my mate who makes all technological issues better for me.
And sure enough, he had a backup phone which, although not new, definitely had a longer battery life than my current piece of shit.
Now this is the part of the story I can’t explain because my knowledge of how phones work is limited to ‘battery full/battery not.’
But in the swap over of apps, widgets and things my beloved ‘notes’ app got taken out in a wave of collateral.
Not the worst, but for me, not the best.
I couldn’t bitch at my mate. He’d done me a solid favour.
But as he said the words ‘factory reset’ of my old phone when I asked him hopefully if I could retrieve my brain farts, I knew it was over.
Two years of musings, witty one liners and ideas gone.
And no Smartass, I didn’t backup my phone to my laptop okay.
Not once have I ever done that.
I’m a fool who thought little people walked up the wires in the back of the telly to appear on screen until she was 9.
Backing up is something a Tinder date who’s never going to call you again asks you to do, not a way to safe-guard the contents of one’s phone.
As always in life, we have a choice.
I could bitch and moan about the loss of my ‘notes’ app or get the fuck over it and try to pen out from my brain that which I could remember.
As I did so, I realised that many of the words, sentences and thoughts that remained in the memory of my mind began to take the shape of a list of things I wish I’d known in my younger years.
It seems as I’ve observed and experienced my way through my mid-30’s I’ve collated a sort of rhetoric that the 20’s version of me could’ve done with.
As it took form, I began to wonder if the list needed to be shared. Maybe in some fucked up way these words knew they were redundant whilst sat in the confines of an app and so clawed their way into the light one factory reset at a time. Or maybe I just panicked and remembered some shit that looks like a sharable, useful blog. Either way, here it is.
Things I Wish I Knew Then
1. No one cares about your face. You are the only person in the world who thinks about your face. Everyone else is too busy worrying about their own face. Think about your face less.
2. Always give someone a second chance. But never a third.
3. When you’re a dick (and you will be a dick) make amends quickly.
4. Tell people you love them. More. You can’t tell them enough.
5. Failure is part of success. Fail as much as you can as quickly as you can.
6. Don’t take on other people’s fear as your own.
7. Compare yourself to no one but expect yourself to be great.
8. You absolutely cannot pull off double denim.
9. Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.
10. Likes don’t equate to sales.
11. Applying winged eyeliner is meant to be hard.
12. Who you were yesterday is who you were yesterday. Today, do your best.
13. Invest your time, money and energy in your personal development and not in the trappings of stuff.
14. Don’t use Tinder.
15. You can never have enough friends or shoes.
16. Never stop being curious and playful.
17. What you eat has more of an effect on your mental health than you think. Avoid too much sugar, alcohol and processed shit but don’t be a righteous knob or deny yourself pleasure.
18. Always buy tampons before you run out.
19. You’re doing better than you think.
20. Take more risks. Regret causes a painful death.
21. Backup your phone (Yeah okay, I just added that one. Seems I will always have more to learn).
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Thank you very much for reading.
Love, Em x