I wish I’d known

Okay, I promise that after this blog I’m going to stop banging on about turning 38. It’s over now. It’s happened.  But, as with all such events which so obviously and obnoxiously signal the passing of time, birthday weeks are a period of reflection, especially for someone like me who is irritatingly ruminative.

Last week,  I spent 3 days with my phone off in a cabin in the woods. I read 2 whole books. I watched (and stayed awake through) 5 whole movies. I slept. I ate. I lay down a lot.

And over those rather glorious 3 days, little thoughts, memories and moments came drifting through my brain, whispers of who I used to be. And like little threads, they began to weave together to form a list of things which I am so grateful that I know now but still wish I had known then.

  1. I wish I’d known it would always turn out okay, that I would survive 100% of my bad days and be stronger for it.
  2. I wish I’d known to jump sooner, I wish I’d backed myself earlier and failed quicker.
  3. I wish I’d known to spend less time worrying about what other people thought and wasting precious energy in trying to be the person I thought other people wanted me to be.
  4. I wish I’d known that words have consequences, that hearts break easily, and egos defend incessantly.
  5. I wish I’d known that low-rise flared jeans were never my friend.
  6. I wish I’d known that hard feelings aren’t permanent, that they are here to tell you something and most of the time when you face them and hear them, they bugger off pretty quickly.
  7. I wish I’d known to appreciate what I had when I didn’t think I had anything because I always had me.

38. It’s really just a number.

But wisdom is infinite.